A sad story I encountered a year ago of a 13-year-old who jumped out of an apartment window to her death. This was not because she consciously wanted to commit suicide, but because she took up a dare with a few of her friends.
Unfortunately, all this took place on a weekend when the mother was in the house. The teenager had kept to herself in her bedroom all day, and it seems that was normal in the household. Nobody figured out there was anything wrong going on. I imagine her contemplating, getting scared, hoping someone would convince her otherwise, possibly silently praying the mum would notice and stop her, hoping for some voice of reason – unknowingly, but nothing came. As it grew darker, she must have thought, “nothing will change anyway, so let me go ahead”.
When she jumped, perhaps she didn’t realize the finality of her decision, perhaps she hoped she’d survive the fall and possibly get the attention she’d been hoping for.
I think if the mum was more concerned about what the child was doing, concerned about why the child would lock herself in her room all day, concerned about who her friends were and what they liked, perhaps she would still be with us. On the other hand, perhaps the mother was going through stuff, maybe she was facing difficulty at work or in her marriage, but what we now remember is that the child is the one that took the brunt and there's no turning back.
Mental Health
We have a very high rate of suicide among teenagers and young adults, and a good number suffer mental health. Are they a weaker generation? Not at all, they just have ‘weaker’ parents. The digital era caught us unaware, and we’ve absconded our duties as parents to technology.
Technology is meant to make our lives easier, but we have allowed it to go beyond helping us, to control us. We’d rather spend our evening hours scrolling through the phone watching cute videos of cats and babies than put the phone down and have real conversations in the house. We have lost our social skills that we do not know how to converse with our own children. We have prioritized the pursuit of money and forgotten the very purpose of why we are pursuing it in the first place.
If you did an audit of your time, you’ll be surprised at how little time you have dedicated to bonding with your family members, spouse included. No wonder our society is full of dysfunctional families and people and it all begins at home.
How do you get back to the family
It’s about time we took up our roles in society, right from home. A good leader is first assessed by how well they manage their families. In order to take back our families we should start by being present. Yes, we are all busy but the few times you are available, could you give your undivided attention to those you love?
Switch off your gadgets and offer your undivided attention. It might be difficult at first to strike up a conversation when you’ve never done so, but you can start by asking questions and being genuinely interested in the response. Questions like
- How was your day?
- What was good or bad about today?
- Anything fun / interesting happened today? Again, the questions need to be age-appropriate, and you need to genuinely listen with all your faculties.
I started these conversations with my children right from pre-school and these questions work wonders. Perhaps it’s because we’re now used to them and they actually look forward to giving me their updates. I genuinely and actively listen and I am actively involved in their day-to-day emotions. Everyone wants to be heard, so why not your children?
On Sunday I was standing near the pastor after a service with my kids waiting for something and my daughter, who had remembered an incident in school was loudly proclaiming how she was going to slap back a classmate who had slapped her in the past week. Her exact words were “am I supposed to just stand there as she slaps me? No way I will slap her back”.. 🙂 I was quietly hoping the pastor did not hear that statement 🙂 but was happy we could have such conversations freely.
Another place is to have at least one meal together as a family where no gadgets or TV is allowed, to encourage conversations. If once a day is not possible, at least a few times or even twice a week is better than none. I’m lucky to be able to have two meals a day with the kids, breakfast and dinner, and the stories that come out at that table can be quite hilarious. When you start your day with a happy heart or even end it that way, there’s no external force that will make you feel alone.
You could also invest in playing together. When was the last time you played games with your children? Again, this has to be age-appropriate or games that everyone can take part in, or play with them in turns. This again doesn’t have to be daily it can be weekly or at a scheduled period when you all join and do it as one. It breaks barriers – that’s why team building are encouraged at work to break down barriers.
They say charity begins at home. And I dare say everything begins at home. When you have peace at home, other things seem to fall into place much easier. The vice versa is never true.
