Shame, that powerful and universal emotion, often lurks in the depths of our consciousness, whispering doubts and fears about our worthiness. It can arise from past mistakes, perceived shortcomings, or societal expectations that we struggle to meet.
I struggle with the ‘shame’ of enforcing a balanced life while working in the fast-paced corporate world. If you’re in the corporate world, you’ll understand how spending many hours at work, is glorified and even rewarded. Then those who work the hours they’re supposed to work and leave the office on time are considered less ambitious and often overlooked for promotions.
I am one of those people who, from the time I got children, decided that I shall be there for them ‘no matter what’. I ensure that at the end of each day, what can be done tomorrow waits for tomorrow, and what cannot wait, some communication is done to the same effect. Of course, there are some exceptions now and then.
I do this to ensure that my time with my family is kept sacred. So why is this a shameful thing? Because society has decided that we should always be busy doing things, chasing after titles, positions, and money by all means. It dictates that we should pursue our career growth and aim for the corner office by sacrificing a few things. Absenteeism from home is considered a norm in this society. A school of thought I do not ascribe to, and therefore the ‘shame’.
Brene Brown in her book ‘Daring Greatly’, talks about shame in the most enlightening way. She says “Shame becomes fear. Fear leads to risk aversion. Risk aversion kills innovation.” We all carry some form of shame with us, things that we feel imperfect about, things mostly imposed upon us by society as imperfections. She gives an example of how a woman is expected to be healthy; not too slim but not too ‘blessed’, she needs to be smart enough to make good money. She needs to work hard enough to climb the corporate ladder and compete with their male counterparts.
At the same time, she should be a homemaker, her household should be perfect, have perfect children, be healthy, be an available mum at home, and be available for her husband. She should not neglect her domestic duties and should attend all school events. She’s expected to take care of herself by ensuring her hair is pristine, and her nails well done. She exercises frequently, eats healthily, and knows how to take care of herself at every stage of life. She needs not break down or complain especially about her domestic responsibilities or career. She’s supposed to be the nutritionist in the home and offer a nurturing environment for everyone.
A recent article on what it takes to be a woman CEO highlights some of the sacrifices/shame women need to take.
A woman doesn’t need to be a mother to experience motherly expectations. When you’re single, society asks “When shall you get married?’, when married with no children, it is ‘how long shall you wait to have a child?’ When you only have one child, it’s ‘So when shall you give a sibling to your child?’ When they’re two but of one gender, ‘Why don’t you try for the other gender?’ or ‘You should have spaced them better’. All these are shameful moments women go through.
For men, the shame comes in when the societal expectation of them is to ‘be the man’. To be strong enough, to not show their weakness, to not ‘cry’. To be able to provide and be capable of providing for their family and for ‘black tax’. At the same time, society wants them to show their human side, to be themselves, to identify with their inner child and their emotions.
A man will resist taking up a big promotion away from the family so that they can be close to them, but in due course, the wife might complain that he is not making enough money like so and so. A man can be ailing with many issues but since they’ve been taught by society to ‘man up’, they bottle their emotions, don’t discuss them with anyone, and sink into depression.
Shame is a complex and deeply personal emotion that can manifest in various aspects of life. Different individuals may experience shame for different reasons, and the intensity of shame can vary based on cultural, social, and personal factors. Some common areas in which people may feel shame include:
- Body Image: Feeling shame about one’s appearance, weight, or physical attributes can be common, especially due to societal beauty standards and unrealistic body expectations.
- Career and Financial Status: Shame can arise from not achieving career goals or not being financially successful, leading to feelings of inadequacy and comparison to others.
- Relationships: Shame in relationships may arise from failed or toxic partnerships, difficulties in maintaining healthy relationships, or feeling unworthy of love and intimacy.
- Parenting: Parents may experience shame related to their parenting abilities, such as perceived mistakes or comparing themselves to other seemingly “perfect” parents.
- Academic Performance: Struggling academically or professionally may trigger shame, especially when comparing oneself to high achievers.
- Mental Health and Emotions: Shame can be experienced when dealing with mental health challenges, emotions deemed “unacceptable,” or seeking help for psychological issues.
- Past Mistakes and Regrets: Individuals may feel shame about past actions, decisions, or behaviors that they regret or feel guilty about.
- Social Skills and Interactions: Feeling socially awkward or experiencing social rejection can lead to shame and self-doubt in social situations.
- Cultural or Identity Factors: People may feel shame about aspects of their cultural background, ethnicity, or gender due to external judgments or internalized prejudices.
- Vulnerability and Expressing Needs: Expressing vulnerability or asking for help can trigger shame, as it may be perceived as weakness or inadequacy.
- Creativity and Self-Expression: Shame can arise from self-doubt about one’s creative abilities or fear of judgment when expressing oneself through art or other forms of self-expression.
- Health and Lifestyle Choices: Shame might be associated with unhealthy lifestyle choices, addictions, or habits that individuals feel they should change but struggle to do so.
- Traumatic Experiences: Survivors of trauma may experience shame and guilt associated with the events they went through, especially if they blame themselves for the outcome.
- Family Background and Upbringing: Shame can stem from negative experiences or dysfunction within the family, leading individuals to feel undeserving of happiness or success.
It is essential to remember that experiencing shame is a normal part of being human, and everyone experiences this. The only people that don’t experience any shame are narcissists. As daunting as it may seem, there is immense power in confronting and naming our shame. By facing it head-on and harnessing its energy, we can transform shame from a burden into a catalyst for personal growth and empowerment.
The first thing about dealing with shame is to name it and find a comfortable person to share that shameful feeling with. They say when you shine a light on a problem, it has less effect on you. We also know that talking about something is usually half the problem solved. Not everyone will understand or be helpful in your shame – actually, the majority will glory in your shame, to make their shame feel better. However, there’s that one person or a handful of safety spaces you could perhaps get to speak it out.
For introverts, journaling is another way you can deal with this shame. Write it down, it’s also known to be therapeutic. Acknowledging the shame is already half the problem solved.
Another helpful way to deal with this shame is to be kind to yourself. We tend to be our own worst critics. Be kind to yourself as you would be to a close friend that would have been in your situation. Encourage yourself, and have a positive self-speak. Embrace your shame, and if it’s one of those that you have to live with, learn to accept it and be proud of it.
Naming your shame is not an easy process, but it is a powerful one. By confronting this emotion head-on and transforming it into a source of growth and empowerment, you can free yourself from the burdens of society. I am who I am and I am comfortable that way.
Embrace your vulnerability, seek connection, and use shame as a stepping stone to becoming a stronger, more resilient, and more self-aware individual. In doing so, you embark on a journey of self-discovery that leads to a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Remember, it’s okay to be imperfect, for it is through imperfection that we find our true strength. It’s this imperfection that makes us unique and different.
