Part 6: Be the Energy You Want to Attract: Cultivating Intentional Relationships
Introduction: When You Feel Drained by Everyone Around You
Do you ever feel completely drained after a conversation or spending time with certain people? You know that unsettling feeling, or perhaps a lingering sense of unhappiness or negativity about your own life or circumstances. Some interactions can even leave you emotionally spent.
It might be conversations that never move beyond superficial small talk. Or group chats that leave you more anxious than connected. Perhaps it's that friend who only calls when they need something, but never checks in on you. Maybe the very nature of a discussion directs your focus towards negativity or things that don't serve you.
The quiet truth is: Relationships are powerful energy exchanges. And they are either fueling you or draining you.
In Part 6 of our "Reclaiming Control" series, we turn our focus inward once more. This time, we'll explore how your relationships reflect your inner state and the importance of being intentional about your emotional environment.
You can check out part 5 of the article series on Reclaiming Ownership of Your Growth: Learn, Even When No One Asks You To
Because cultivating nourishing relationships isn't about perfection, it's about presence, boundaries, and the energy you bring.
The Mirror Effect: You Attract What You Normalize
You've likely heard the saying: You become the average of the five people you spend the most time with. The idea is simple but profound: if you're surrounded by five highly successful individuals, you're likely to become the sixth. Conversely, if you spend your time with five individuals who are struggling, you may find yourself headed in a similar direction.
This is a truth we often overlook, yet it fundamentally shapes our growth and who we become. It took me time to realize that, unintentionally, I was surrounding myself with people who mirrored how I was treating myself. Once I recognized this, I began to make conscious changes.
What I discovered was powerful: The energy you lead with becomes an invitation. People will either match that energy or naturally fall away. As you evolve and make intentional shifts, some relationships will organically transform or simply fade, paving the way for more aligned connections.
Why Relationship Intentionality Matters
In a world brimming with constant connection through technology, it's a stark paradox that loneliness remains rampant. This is because proximity doesn't equal intimacy, and being available doesn't mean you're truly seen. We might "speak" to many people online, but when you genuinely examine your interactions, true, deep connections can be surprisingly rare.
Cultivating intentional relationships means making conscious choices:
- Choosing who gets access to your valuable energy.
- Building depth over superficial, performative connections.
- Actively become the kind of friend, partner, or colleague you aspire to have in your life.
Let's explore how to shift from unconscious social habits to proactively curating your relationships, with both heart and healthy boundaries.
3 Ways to Start Cultivating Intentional Relationships
1. Audit Your Relationship Circle
We often meticulously declutter our physical spaces—our closets, our homes. Yet, we rarely apply the same scrutiny to our emotional clutter: the outdated, one-sided, or draining relationships we hold onto out of guilt, obligation, or even fear of confrontation.
Start by asking yourself these clarifying questions:
- Who in my life consistently leaves me feeling heavier or drained after we interact?
- Who genuinely energizes me and creates space for my growth and well-being?
- Am I consistently giving my best energy to people who ultimately deplete it?
Try This:
Create three columns in your journal labeled: Nourishing, Neutral, and Draining. Now, list your key relationships under each category—this includes friends, colleagues, and even family members.
This exercise isn't about judgment; it's about gaining clarity. From this clearer perspective, you can then decide:
- Who needs more of your time, presence, and investment?
- Who might benefit from gentler boundaries or less frequent access to your energy?
- Where do you need to initiate honest, compassionate conversations to redefine the dynamic?
Recommended Tools:
- Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab: A practical and essential guide for managing emotional overload and establishing healthy limits.
- Conversation Cards for Deeper Connections: Excellent tools for fostering meaningful conversations and building trust within your friendships.
2. Become the Energy You Want to Attract
Your relationships don't just reflect your standards; they often reflect your self-awareness and how you show up.
Consider how you enter your interactions: Are you often rushed, distracted, or reactive? Or do you approach conversations with a calm, attentive, and open demeanor? This applies to all your relationships, including those with family members and children. Are you truly present?
Just as a thermostat sets the temperature of a room, your energy sets the tone in your relationships.
Start actively being:
- The one who genuinely checks in, not just when it's convenient or transactional.
- The one who listens deeply without already rehearsing their reply.
- The one who models rest, presence, and kindness in their own life.
This isn't about putting on a performance or pretending to be someone you're not. It's about aligning your behavior with your core values.
For instance, I've found it helpful to manage my WhatsApp messages not in real-time, but in dedicated windows. This allows me to respond with intention. For group chats that are heavy on forwards or irrelevant content, I mute them and only check in when I have extra time. The result? My conversations became more thoughtful, and I no longer felt constantly interrupted or drained.
It's not about cutting people off. It's about showing up better by pacing yourself and honoring your energy.
Journal Prompt:
Who would I truly be in my relationships if I stopped rushing through them and instead approached them with intention?
3. Create Relationship Rituals (Not Just Reactions)
Strong, fulfilling relationships don't just happen by chance. They are deliberately built through intention, consistent time, and thoughtful effort.
Instead of relying on random check-ins or guilt-driven calls, establish relational habits that genuinely honor what matters to you.
Consider incorporating these ideas:
- A weekly coffee date or phone call with your most nourishing friend.
- A monthly check-in with your partner or sibling using reflective journaling prompts.
- A dedicated family game night or a device-free dinner once a week.
The ultimate goal? To make presence a ritual. To consistently create space for the people who genuinely hold space for you.
I know someone who started a simple weekly ritual with her teenage daughter: 20-minute walks with no phones allowed. It began somewhat awkwardly, but over time, it became their sacred space for deep connection. Their relationship transformed not through grand gestures, but through consistent, intentional moments.
Final Word: Relationships Are Built on What You Normalize
If you consistently normalize overextending yourself, people will come to expect it.
If you normalize kindness paired with clear boundaries, people will learn to respect that too.
You don't need a packed social calendar to feel loved and connected.
You don't need to be everything to everyone to be valued.
What you truly need is:
- Intentional connection.
- Authentic presence.
- And the courage to curate your circle with both love and clarity.
When you genuinely become the energy you want to attract, you'll witness a profound shift—not just in how people treat you, but in how you feel in your own skin.
3 Things to Remember About Intentional Relationships
- You have the right to choose who has access to your valuable energy.
- Becoming better for others begins with becoming more honest and aligned with yourself.
- Relationships don't thrive by accident—they thrive through consistent ritual and thoughtful reflection.
Next in the Series: Presence Over Perfection (Family & Parenting)
In Part 7, we'll turn our focus toward the home. We'll explore how presence—not expensive gifts, lingering guilt, or frantic busy schedules—creates the deepest and most lasting impact in your family life. Because your family doesn't need you to be perfect; they simply need you to be present.
Bonus Resource:
Download your Relationship Reflection Journal Page to help clarify which connections feel aligned and which ones may need healthier boundaries.
