The Lie We’ve Been Living of ‘I am not enough…. yet’

Have you ever noticed how early it begins — that quiet belief that we must earn our place? I recall my male chemistry teacher in an all-girls high school, who kept saying "girls are hopeless" whenever he taught a relatively difficult topic. You can imagine how that repetitive remark has an effect on a young child’s mind. Most of us didn’t do well in Chemistry, yet on the contrary, I had a physics teacher who only taught facts and assumed everyone had the capacity to understand and follow – we did exemplary well.

Then came the time to enroll at the university, where I decided to pursue an engineering degree. On the day of registration, one of the registrars looked at me and asked, "Are you sure you want to do engineering? I don't think you'll finish all 5 years. Do you know this course takes 5 years to complete?" He had already made an assumption that, being a female with a relatively pretty face, I couldn’t possibly do engineering. Oh yes, I’m kind of pretty – just ask my dad or my husband .

Several years later, after completing my studies with excellent results, I landed a good job at an engineering firm as a sales engineer. But even with all the hurdles I had overcome and the achievements I had earned, I often found myself underestimated. Some male clients would walk into the sales office, glance at me, and assume I was the secretary—asking me to direct them to “the engineer.”

I vividly remember one particular instance. I was the most experienced engineer in the room when a group of male clients came in. After a brief exchange, they insisted on speaking with someone else, so I handed them over to a newly hired engineer who was still under training. As expected, the situation came full circle—the same engineer eventually had to call me in so we could discuss their technical concerns together, since the matter was beyond his experience.

For many professional women, that doubting whisper has been part of their lives for so long that it feels normal. It unconsciously becomes a way of self-doubt when you start wondering if you’re truly enough, and you feel the need to keep proving yourself in almost every situation. Left unchecked, this self-doubt fosters an impostor syndrome that can keep you from making progress or from raising your hand, thinking that perhaps you need to learn more, perhaps you need to do more, perhaps you need one more paper, or you need to prove one more point before you become enough.

1. The Unseen Weight We Carry

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly chasing approval despite your milestones? “You complete a project done perfectly, but are still unsure about it and are secretly thinking that one day you’ll be found out? There’s a voice deep within that keeps telling you “not yet”? I remember two large projects I did many years ago that kept on taunting me. I kept waiting for the client to come out and complain that I had messed up their site and that they were ‘conned’. The complaints never came.

For many professional women, that whisper has been part of their lives for so long that it feels normal. It shows up in the way we double-check our work before hitting send. The way we smile modestly when someone compliments us. The way we measure success is by how busy we are. The way we prefer to play in the smaller league is to keep safe or from being ‘discovered’.

But the truth is that you were taught to perform for worth — not to believe in it.

In my personal examples above, I’ve always had to ‘prove’ myself worthy of the ‘title’. It’s easy from all the conditioning to believe that you are never enough and that you need one more title, one more experience, one more, one more.

Somewhere between childhood praise for being “the good girl” and adult expectations of being “the capable one,” we learnt a lie: that our value depends on what we do, not who we are.

2. The Roots of “Never Enough”

Research by Dr. Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes (1978), who coined Impostor Syndrome, found that even highly competent women often internalize success as luck or timing. The reason? They were raised to equate external approval with inner worth.

When we’re rewarded for perfection, we fear imperfection.

When we’re valued for output, we fear rest.

When we’re praised for selflessness, we fear saying no.

And so, the cycle begins:

We achieve → we doubt → we overwork → we burn out → we achieve again — just to feel safe.

But no amount of external validation can fill an internal void.

3. Recognizing the Voice of the Lie

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking:

“They’ll soon realize I’m not that good.”
“I got lucky.”
“I shouldn’t speak up until I’m sure.”
“Others work harder than me.”

You’re not lacking confidence — you’re stuck in an outdated belief system.

That inner critic you hear isn’t the truth; it’s a memory. A collection of rules you inherited about what it means to be “worthy.” You had to prove to the teacher that ‘girls are not hopeless’. You had to prove to the registrar that ‘yes, girls who look like me can actually do engineering and do it well’. You had to prove to clients that ‘yes, I am enough of an engineer and can provide the guidance that any other engineer can provide’.

The shift begins when you start to ask: “Who taught me I had to earn my place?”

4. Reclaiming the Truth

Breaking this cycle doesn’t start with achieving more — it starts with awareness.
It begins when you pause and notice the trigger moments that make you shrink or overcompensate.

Try this:

When you feel the urge to overprepare, ask: “What am I afraid of losing if I don’t?”
When you receive praise, practice saying: “Thank you, I worked hard for that.”
When your mind whispers, “you’re not enough,” answer gently: “I am learning to see that I already am.”

It’s a practice — built one small, intentional moment at a time. I’ve learned to let the doubters wrestle with their own insecurities while I stay grounded in my confidence. You think I’m not enough? That’s your opinion — and it doesn’t define me. I’m here because I’m qualified. After all, you came seeking the expertise I offer, and because my employer continues to trust and pay me to deliver the value their clients expect. Simply put, I am enough.

5. The Freedom of “Enough”

Imagine if your worth wasn’t tied to your inbox, your deadlines, your last performance review, or the opinion of others. Imagine walking into a meeting with calm confidence, knowing your value isn’t something to defend — it’s something to express.

That freedom is what happens when you stop proving and start remembering how you got here in the first place. Whenever I get a chance to speak to people, I remind them that they would not be in their positions if their employer did not think they offer some value, so why would they entertain such thoughts?

You’ve been living with a lie long enough. It’s time to trade performance for peace.

You were already enough before you achieved a single thing.